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I'm such a loser. It is amazing that I could even think that I would be able to role-play as well as others...especially on the Rp communities here. I cannot believe I had even a significant chance of actually succeeding in being accepted to such a wonderfully, intricate role-play. Now I know for sure that I am never going back...I mean, I made too many mistakes--it is impossible to correct them. Besides, wasting another day in fixing an application is a waste of time and I feel I can't do really anything about it. I was so excited about this community--it had been a long time since I had found a RPG on my own that I liked. When I first came upon its doors, I thought it was impossible for me to get into Landel's; I'm sorry to see that I was right.
It just doesn't feel right that I wasted time on meaningless fanart, what's the point of drawing it if you're not going to even join the community? Today was a particularly bad day to the point I want to murder myself...again; I probably would not even be ranting at this minute if previous events leading up to this one were not so bad. In fact, I'd mope for a couple of minutes and move on, but I guess when people treat you like crap every bad thing that comes after it on the same day feels like it is a lot worse than it is. When I read the e-mail, I was really torn apart...it was like a slap in the face for which I have not had in a while. This proves that my writing is pure crap and that being so, I cannot write any character well worth a damn. I guess I feel so discontent because I spent crazy hours on the application and I really must SUCK if I cannot even put together a decent damned application (if you DARE make a comment about this nasty, unintended pun I will sock you in the face; ooo yes, internet threats are scaaaary -___- [/sarcasm] ). Or at least only have one mistake on it--I was never a good role-player; I thought I was a really good one. Maybe even great.
It was clear that I am, once again, wrong. If I cannot even portray someone's character right than obviously, something is wrong with me. I know someone who is going to be severely disappointed and for that...I'm sorry. I'm sorry, my friend, who had such high hopes in me and restored faith in me getting accepted into the community...even though that faith proved false in the face of the truth. Even though I am clearly disappointed by these terms of events, I'll admit, even at this moment...I still love the community. I became so attached to it even though I only associated with two people from the community but of course I didn't post in the lounge...well, because I was too scared to get TOO close in case I got rejected. I'm glad I didn't post in the lounge and the truth is I may just abandon livejournal because of this--I happen to be a very emotionally disturbed individual and even something such as this will cause me to experience brief moments of insanity. I also apologize to Lii and the others in advance because I will probably not be online until the tournament starts. =( I just feel so depressed...it is truly troubling as it had been a while since I've been like this...I wish I had a real friend to tell me 'it's alright' or 'it's ok' or even something like: "It is just a role-play, you can move on."
But since I obviously as sure as hell do not have one of those, I think I will start devoting more of my time to my wonderful studies. [/sarcasm] (Despite the sarcasm, it is probably true as those who know me do see me less in the school year). I'm glad I do have my family but (and it is not like they don't understand) I did not really have anyone to fall back on today when I crying earlier today. I wish I could hate this world, then I would find a good reason to take the easier way out--then again, it is only a matter of time before I do. Honestly, it is not that hard; oh, by the way I quit the Track Team. I cannot be on a fucking team to which no one bothers to talk to me or at least RESPOND at my damned efforts to speak to them. I suck socially as well but I at least I try to associate--it's too painful feeling lonely in the Track Team and when I try to run when I feel this loneliness, somehow it becomes harder and something weighs me down.
Honestly, I'm pathetic, I just feel like I can't really do anything lately...so many disappointments...I don't think anyone in the school cares about me. I hate being so emotional, it parts of my personality; I'm practically falling apart and you know what? I don't think anyone bothers to read this shit, I feel selfish for saying that but I usually use this journal for letting all the anger out. It is always a great stress-reliever, it is damned better than cutting yourself...I tried it once but I couldn't do it. So it pisses me off every single damned time whenever people do that to themselves. Oh and another thing, a classmate of mine dropped out of highschool. DX That also pisses me off! I was really disturbed when the person sitting next to me muttered something about dropping out. I said,
"Don't give up."
....Ironic, isn't it? But it is not like this stupid application is the same damn thing...I mean it is a piece of shit when compared to school because school determines what you're going to fucking be in your future. It determines your life. So I have no qualms (actually, yes, I do >_< ) about giving up...I'm never going to Landel's Damned again. Unless of course somebody can convince me to fix my mistakes and resend my application...in that case, I'm always online for being cheered up. As I am incapable of cheering myself up...it was definitely clear when I nearly had a nervous breakdown. After all, the stupid idiots just all say,
"It will go away if you ignore it longer."
No, I do not think it will not. I regret ever coming across Landel's in the first place and I regret ever meeting those people I have known for over two years. I think I'll write up something else later (probably about Wayward <3).
...Bastards. ;;
It just doesn't feel right that I wasted time on meaningless fanart, what's the point of drawing it if you're not going to even join the community? Today was a particularly bad day to the point I want to murder myself...again; I probably would not even be ranting at this minute if previous events leading up to this one were not so bad. In fact, I'd mope for a couple of minutes and move on, but I guess when people treat you like crap every bad thing that comes after it on the same day feels like it is a lot worse than it is. When I read the e-mail, I was really torn apart...it was like a slap in the face for which I have not had in a while. This proves that my writing is pure crap and that being so, I cannot write any character well worth a damn. I guess I feel so discontent because I spent crazy hours on the application and I really must SUCK if I cannot even put together a decent damned application (if you DARE make a comment about this nasty, unintended pun I will sock you in the face; ooo yes, internet threats are scaaaary -___- [/sarcasm] ). Or at least only have one mistake on it--I was never a good role-player; I thought I was a really good one. Maybe even great.
It was clear that I am, once again, wrong. If I cannot even portray someone's character right than obviously, something is wrong with me. I know someone who is going to be severely disappointed and for that...I'm sorry. I'm sorry, my friend, who had such high hopes in me and restored faith in me getting accepted into the community...even though that faith proved false in the face of the truth. Even though I am clearly disappointed by these terms of events, I'll admit, even at this moment...I still love the community. I became so attached to it even though I only associated with two people from the community but of course I didn't post in the lounge...well, because I was too scared to get TOO close in case I got rejected. I'm glad I didn't post in the lounge and the truth is I may just abandon livejournal because of this--I happen to be a very emotionally disturbed individual and even something such as this will cause me to experience brief moments of insanity. I also apologize to Lii and the others in advance because I will probably not be online until the tournament starts. =( I just feel so depressed...it is truly troubling as it had been a while since I've been like this...I wish I had a real friend to tell me 'it's alright' or 'it's ok' or even something like: "It is just a role-play, you can move on."
But since I obviously as sure as hell do not have one of those, I think I will start devoting more of my time to my wonderful studies. [/sarcasm] (Despite the sarcasm, it is probably true as those who know me do see me less in the school year). I'm glad I do have my family but (and it is not like they don't understand) I did not really have anyone to fall back on today when I crying earlier today. I wish I could hate this world, then I would find a good reason to take the easier way out--then again, it is only a matter of time before I do. Honestly, it is not that hard; oh, by the way I quit the Track Team. I cannot be on a fucking team to which no one bothers to talk to me or at least RESPOND at my damned efforts to speak to them. I suck socially as well but I at least I try to associate--it's too painful feeling lonely in the Track Team and when I try to run when I feel this loneliness, somehow it becomes harder and something weighs me down.
Honestly, I'm pathetic, I just feel like I can't really do anything lately...so many disappointments...I don't think anyone in the school cares about me. I hate being so emotional, it parts of my personality; I'm practically falling apart and you know what? I don't think anyone bothers to read this shit, I feel selfish for saying that but I usually use this journal for letting all the anger out. It is always a great stress-reliever, it is damned better than cutting yourself...I tried it once but I couldn't do it. So it pisses me off every single damned time whenever people do that to themselves. Oh and another thing, a classmate of mine dropped out of highschool. DX That also pisses me off! I was really disturbed when the person sitting next to me muttered something about dropping out. I said,
"Don't give up."
....Ironic, isn't it? But it is not like this stupid application is the same damn thing...I mean it is a piece of shit when compared to school because school determines what you're going to fucking be in your future. It determines your life. So I have no qualms (actually, yes, I do >_< ) about giving up...I'm never going to Landel's Damned again. Unless of course somebody can convince me to fix my mistakes and resend my application...in that case, I'm always online for being cheered up. As I am incapable of cheering myself up...it was definitely clear when I nearly had a nervous breakdown. After all, the stupid idiots just all say,
"It will go away if you ignore it longer."
No, I do not think it will not. I regret ever coming across Landel's in the first place and I regret ever meeting those people I have known for over two years. I think I'll write up something else later (probably about Wayward <3).
...Bastards. ;;
